then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
