the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
