We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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