My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
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