Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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