i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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