I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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