i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
