Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
