I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
