we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
