Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Randomize
