Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
