im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
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