Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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