you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
