there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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