and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I have aggressive nipples.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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