My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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