I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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