i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize