I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
