If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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