I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
