Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
