Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
