What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
