I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
