nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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