Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Randomize
