There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
