just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
