watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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