Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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