Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
