Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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