So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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