Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize