What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
