it's too hot outside to masturbate.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
