P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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