While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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