in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
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