U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
