She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
