Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
