Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
