He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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