evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Randomize
