After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Rumble strips road head = magical
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
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