Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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