he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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