your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
