I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I got inside last night via doggy door
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
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