I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
