once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I need water and some morals
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
