I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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