Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
