all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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