So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
