Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
soo... how was my night?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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