I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
